maxim :)

Pentru ca ai fost, esti si in continuare vei fi Maxim pentru mine, iti mai dedic inca o postare. Will all my love, from abroad...
Si nu ma pot abtine sa imi aduc aminte cum ma furisam de revelion sa te vad...o alee intunecata, imbratisarea ta, si saruturile..glumele si zambetele inocente..ai fost si vei fi mereu cineva special in viata mea, indiferent de circumstante, cum esti persoana de care imi aduc aminte cu cel mai mare drag..
Stii, azi mergeam, intr-o zapada infernala, atipica tarii in care sunt rezidenta, si nu m0-am putut abtine sa imi aduc aminte de mica noastra escapada...in prima zi a acelui an
Strazile inzapezite ale orasului unde locuiesc nu au putut sa nu imi aduca aminte de drumul in masina spre munte, bara la bara, sau cum ne-am dat " cu saniutza" pe partia din azuga cu Sandu si prietena lui...sunt momente pe care o adolescenta fascinata nu poate sa le uite....
cabana unde am baut vin fiert, cum te plangeai de sale sau cum ma tineai de mana...
sper ca esti bine si ca iti mai aduci aminte de mine din cand in cand asa cum imi aduc si eu aminte de tine...
all my best...

Buna Dimineata

Si uite asa, tu ai fost cel care mi-a dat drumul....desi mie mi se pare prea greu sa renunt acum
Din pacate, esti esential in viata mea. Nu imi pasa de ce zic ceilalti, mie imi place in continuare sa te visez.
Vezi tu, nu era doar varsta ta care sa ma atraga...erai si inca esti tu....tot pachetul...aspectul, vorbele, discutiile, alinturile, fuga si uitarea :)
Chiar m-ai inteles, mi-ai dat aripi in timp ce eu ti le taiam pe ale tale, eu cautam sa fug si tu cautai solutii...si, daca stau bine sa ma gandesc....chiar existau insa eu eram prea oarba sa le vad,si acum din pacate este prea tarziu.
Insa tot ce stiu este ca mereu vei fi o parte din mine, si mereu vei aduce in zambet pe buzele mele. Nu vreau sa dau un nume, B., insa sper ca intr-o zi, ochii tai sa vor asterne pe aceasta pagina, si iti vei aduce aminte de mine, zambind, ca un copil visator ce am fost....si sa iti aduci aminte ca pentru o vreme, am fost copila ta :)
Tot ce vroiam sa iti zic este ..Buna Dimineata

Atac la persoana.

Si se intampla ca eu sa fi spus "I do"...I do want to love you for the rest of my live and I do want to live like this. Oricum, situatia este aceiasi de poate prea mult timp.
Insa, frica este ucigasul mintii si din pacate este si a mea. Frica de a nu ma ridica la inaltimea viselor tale pe care le ai despre mine, despre succesul meu si despre potentialul meu. Dintre toti esti singurul care mi-a dat forta necesara de a merge mai departe intr-o societate unde domneste ipocrizia intelectuala. Nu esti nici cel mai destept, si nici cel mai bogat...esti la fel ca mine...talent ascuns in prea multa insecuritate.
Si am zis " da"..nu am ce sa pierd...deja nu imi mai pasa de prejudecatile oamenilor care m-au cunoscut odata si acum pleaca capul cand ma vad si se fac ca nu ma cunosc. In definitiv, ma intreb cati dintre ei se ridica la inaltimea mea, sau a ta si pot zice ca au realizat cate am realizat noi, ca persoane fizice, dar si ca "aceiasi persoana"
Stiu ca vorbeste vanitatea din mine, dar cand vine vorba despre rasism, nu cred ca am intalnit deloc forma pe care o dezvolt eu...rasismul intelectual.
Sunt judecata adesea pentru culoarea pielii tale si multe critici mi-au fost adresate. Dar, la ce sa te astepti de la niste oameni care nu au iesit niciodata din granitele tarii in care traiesc, sau din propriul lor intuneric intelectual?
Numele meu este Sonia, am aproape 20 de ani si de 6 luni sunt intr-o relatie cu tine, un cetatean britanic. Cireasa de pe tort insa este culoarea pielii tale. Cetatean britanic insa ghanez pana la ultima picatura de sange care iti curge prin vene( stii cumva unde este Ghana?eu da). Esti negru...vad ca lor le pasa mai mult decat imi pasa mie. In definitiv, nu suntem cu toti oameni? De ce trebuie sa fie tu mai prejos decat toti cei care ti-au adus injurii si prejudicii?..Doar pentru ca poporul tau a fost popor de sclavi? Ei nu vad, ca in esenta, comportamentul si vorbele lor demonstreaza ca de fapt ei sunt sclavii unei societati sub- dezvoltate? Si, mai presus de toate ei sunt vinovati pentru situatia in care se gasesc, dar prefera sa dea vina pe alte persoane...
Au varsta pe care o au, dar nu au realizat nimic durabil...durabil ca simbol.
Da ,va judec in aceiasi masura in care si voi ma judecati pe mine....oameni simpli, fara ambitii si fara o viata adevarata, prinsi in muncile de jos, mizere, blamand intelectualii pentru societatea inchisa pe care au creat-o. Dar nu se gandesc ca ei sunt cei care au abandonat orice sansa de a ajunge mai sus decat sunt acum. Trebuie sa fie mereu vina noastra, a celor care au avut sansa de a se descurca, prin propriile noastre forte si preocupari.
Cei ca noi scumpule, suntem considerati a fi plictisitori, nu stim sa ne traim viata si ocupatiile precum cititul sau incercarile noastre de a ne dezvolta cultura sunt pur si simplu anoste.
Lasa, avem nevoie si de oameni ca ei....cineva trebuie sa faca si muncile de jos, nu-i asa?
C'est la vie, mon pot....mereu nedreapta si stratificata social...

Dieu, je T-ai tue

Sunt unele momente in care se intampla sa iti pierzi credinta....eu mi-am pierdut-o. Vad monocrom, fara nici un strop de culoare.Suntele trec pe langa mine, insa eu nu le mai aud. Viata trece asa de repede pe langa noi incat nici nu ne mai dam seama. comitem greseli peste greseli, care intr-un final ne aduc la un pas de prapastie.
eu....am cazut deja. Mi-am pierdut cheful de a mai trai, de a mai pastra legatura cu unii oameni..de fapt cu toti. Traiesc....abl negru.
Fericire? exista asa ceva? NU! nu mai exista. Nici macar ideea de utopie. exista sentimentul de multumire, de satisfactie, dar nu fericire.
Dragostea? cea mai mare iluzie a umanitatii. Nu mai exista nimic care sa coordoneze un univers odata aprins. Je t'amais jadis...mais jadis. Maintenant, je te deteste....esti un nimeni pentru mine, un nimeni si un nimic!

Reminiscence

Poate nu am mai scris de mult...nu am simtit sentimentele curgandu-mi prin vene. nu am simtit focul necesar pentru a mai asterne pe hartie..
am ajuns acasa, am stat cu cea mai buna prietena a mea, si un parfum ma rascoleste...vine de la asternuturi. poate suna banal,dar mie imi trezeste amintiri mai mult decat uitate...un nume, un sentiment, o traire si o serie de evenimente care s-au tinut lant.
o vara de care poate imi este dor, sau este prea plina de dezamagiri....insa tot ce stiu ca acel miros ma face sa ma gandesc la partile bune, la minciunile pe care i le ziceam lui mama ca sa scap si sa fiu cu el...chipul imi este vag dar numele in rasuna clar in minte...nu numele, mai bine zis porecla...4 litere, care reprezinta ceva maretz, pentru un om prea marunt...
insa tot ce stiu e ca desi a durut...macar a fost bine pentru o perioada...

Uni life

daca stau sa ma gandesc bine viata mea s-a schimbat radical din vara. am avut prieteni care au disparut odata cu dara lasata deasupra Bucurestiului dupa ce avionul meu a decolat cu destinatia London Heathtrow. Putini au stiut sa imi ramana fideli, cum si eu am stiut sa raman fidela lor. Insa viata este plina de surprize, de suisuri si de coborasuri.
Viata de student intr-o tara straina este destul de grea...mereu trebuie sa se iveasca cate o situatie in care sa nu stii ce sa faci si sa vrei sa fii acasa. La inceput, cand puneam capul pe perna, ma gandeam " Doamne ce bine ar fi ca sa vina mama maine dimieata si sa tipe la mine ca nu am facut nu stiu ce"
Insa acum nu ma mai plang. In anumite situatii, viata este chiar frumoasa aici, si nu as schimba-o pentru nimic in lume.
Stiu ca majoritatea postarilor mele au un singur centru, dar nu ma pot abtine, mai ales pentru ca acest centru a devenit focarul fericirii mele.
2 studenti, 2 vieti diferite, 2 culori diferite...alb si negru, dar atatea pasiuni in comun. De-abia am terminat sa ma uit la cel mai nou episod din Smallville, care este serialul nostru preferat... :) cand avem timp luam tot serialul de la inceput.
Si ironia sortii..niciodata nu am fi crezut ca am ajunge unde suntem acum. Azi, inainte sa plece (dupa 4 nopti si 5 zile petrecute impreuna) ne-am uitat la " The holiday"....Cameron Diaz, dupa ce il saruta pe Jude Law, isi da seama ca niciodata nu a mai sarutat pe cineva pe care nu stia...si il intreaba C.D : Have you ever kissed a stranger before? J.L : I do it on a regular basis :). Atunci mi-am dat seama ca prima oara cand ne-am sarutat, chiar eram straini...de-abia ne cunoscusem, si desi mai lucrasem o singura data impreuna (dupa numeroase ture de-ale mele in The White House Luton), era prima oara cand ieseam ca 2 cunostiinte, care aveau sa se lege unul de celalalt in felul in care am facut...
au trecut 2 luni de atunci, 2 luni care par ca niste ani, pentru ca am descoperit rutina, increderea si dragostea impreuna. ceva complet nou dat fiind ca ne-am miscat prea repede...din 2 luni, o luna jumate am petrecut-o impreuna 24/7, descoperindu-ne, aprofundand ce avem acum
Imi place sa vin noaptea tarziu de la munca si sa il gasesc dormind, sa il trezesc cu un sarut pe obraz si sa ii zic ce am facut in seara respectiva...imi place sa am pauza de 30 de minute si sa ma repede acasa numai sa il sarut pe frunte si sa mai fumam o tigara...
ducem acea viata de studenti, liberi, indragostiti, mereu faliti, dar mereu impreuna...am descoperit in el atat un iubit cat si un prieteb care sa stie sa ma asculte atunci cand am nevoie de sprijin. parfumul lui ma urmareste si dragostea lui imi da incredere in mine. si imi place ca ma apreciaza pentru ceea ce sunt eu cu adevarat si nu ma judeca cand sunt rea cu cei din jurul meu.
tot ce ne trebuie este o camera dintrun camin de studenti, junk food...si avem nevoie unul de celalalt...poate sunt prea obijnuita sa il am aici mereu, dar deja mi-a intrat pe sub piele. cerul este mai senin si zambetul mai larg stiind ca in curand o sa il vad...la fel ca si motivatia....
mi-e greu sa adorm acum stiind ca nu este aici fizic sa ma tina in brate...si stiu ca acum doarme bustean sau isi invata pentru examenul de maine....dar stiu la fel de bine ca de fiecare data cand iese pe usa, se va intoarce la mine....
asta e viata de student....o slujba infecta de barmanita, o cutie de chibrit pe post de camera, si 2 brate care sa te stranga tare in zilele ploioase si reci...
poate visez prea mult cu ochii deschisi, sau poate deja am picat prada somnului de fabulez atata, dar gandul meu acum se indreapta asupra lui, sperand ca ii va fi bine pana data viitoare cand ne vom vedea, adica duminica la ora 3-4 dimineata :)

Leapsa lu Peste (in cazul asta Ilana)

Ilana, te urmaresc insa eu nu mai tin minte asa de bine datile la care am primit cele mai tari saruturi, asa ca mai bine numesc cele 10 persoane care m-au sarutat in feluri in care nu pot uita, si le voi clasifica intr-un fel daca a fost bine sau rau
1) Iulian Milea ( haha daca razi te omor)....primul sarut am dat dinti in dinti, deci de cacat =)) ( nu imi aduc aminte ca saruturile care au urmat cu el au fost better)
2) Victor...primul meu prieten din clasa a 9-a....nu prea m-a pasionat felul in care sarura si stii ca mie imi place sa sarut
3) Mircea...un ani de saruturi care sa ma ameteasca...mai ales ultimul sarut, cand i-am zis sa ma sarute ca si cum a fost ultima oara, si chiar atunci a fost ultima oara :)))
4) Horia aka Horica =)) Horia Matei...not my kind of type of kiss...prea isi tinea gura inchisa si parca incerca sa penetreze cu limba =)) (gandea cu capul limbii=)))
5) Daria, copila saruta demential si are o limba asa de moale =)
6) Simona ( nu mi-e jena, I kissed a girl and I liked it) saruta super marfa:P
7) Monkey , sarutul inocent de copil
8) Mahay...sarutul dragostei vietii mele pe atunci...
9) Scott in Liquid :)) pntru simplu motiv al dansului lui de JT combinat cu atingeri patimase si un sarut wow
10 ) Theo, un coleg grec de la munca cu care mai flirtez la munca ( Zach stie asa ca nu ma ucide ca stie ca e inocent)...eram in Glass wash si ma pregateam sa scot niste pahare si el spala barul, si iam zis kiss me baby si mi-a bagat limba pe gat=))
11) ultimate best kiss....la asta tin minte data ..de fapt este un interval 5 ianuarie pana acum...Zach...buze carnoase si pasiune....za beeeest :X... :P
asa ca no comment:))

fara sa fiu surprinsa ma trezesc intr-o camera goala, neatinsa de parfumul lui. imi intorc privirea catre perete si oftez adanc. in cap imi rasuna propriile cuvinte "it would be better if for a while we focused upon our studies"...masca perfecta poate pentru inceputul sfarsitului sau sfarsitul unei etape din viata noastra...
dupa 10 ore de somn inca mai simt nevoia sa imi pun capul pe perna si sa dorm...parca asa infrunt mai usor ceva ce nu vreau sa recunosc. Sa vreau sa imi las capul pe perna si sa nu ma mai trezesc pentru o saptamana...Insa parca si de somn mi-e teama pentru ca reflecta starea mea de acum, deci vise ciudate imi trec prin minte.
insa cred ca e mai bine sa mai dorm un pic....desi am dormit prea mult inca ma simt obosita, ma simt infranta de propriile mele ganduri, si vremea de afara nu e nici ea favorabila pentru o zi in care sa pun un zambet pe fata...
am plecat...catre perna si plapuma...mai incolo chiar ca ma apuc de tema

usa se tranteste in urma ta...stiu ca nu o sa te mai vad o vreme, dar in definitiv este decizia mea.o sa imi fie dor, o sa imi fie greu, dar trebuie sa imi demonstrez ca pot trai fara tine, macar o anume perioada de timp.iti aud pasii cum se indeparteaza de usa mea catre iesirea din apartament, aud cum cobori scarile, si in final tragi usa de la iesirea principala dupa tine. tu nu stii ce o sa urmeze, tu nu stii ca o sa te evit si o sa gasesc orice scuza sa nu te vad in afara orelor de munca.
Incepe introspectia si tehnica oglinzilor paralele. Readuc totul la momentul in care curiozitatea a inceput sa se nasca, si am inceput sa devenim noi doi. am atatea intrebari pentru care tu ai dat un raspuns promp si definitiv....destinul.
si daca m-as fi dus acasa de craciun, si daca nu as fi inceput sa lucrez cu tine, si daca nu as fi iesit la ziua ei sa te vad acolo si sa te iau in brate....si daca nu am fi iesit cu totii impreuna....si daca...marca ipotezelor..insa tu mi-ai zambit si mi-ai zis clar...e mana destinului asa ca nu ai de ce sa te mai intrebi atata...
daca nu s-ar fi intamplat asta, nu as fi avut curajul sa fiu cine sunt eu cu adevarat, nu as fi avut curajul sa recunosc ca viata e prea scurta si ca merita traita, nu as fi avut curajul sa recunosc ca am nevoie de cineva care sa fie alaturi de mine in permanenta, cand am nevoie...
Dimineata a fost obositoare...somnul chinuit de decizia pe care aveam sa o formulez...aceasta saptamana sau ce a mai ramas din ea , o sa ne dedicam studiilor noastre...tu nu stii ca de fapt am vrut sa zic ca nu vreau sa te vad in afara orelor de munca.
totusi camera mea iti poarta amprenta...prosopul pe spatele scaunului meu, periuta ta langa a mea...cravata langa camasa mea, inelul si lantul tau la gatul meu...
e mai bine asa...mai bine pe dracu..ma doare :)

Sa te fut Sage ca sa o zic pe romaneste
1. SUNT: cine vreau eu sa fiu asa ca obisnuieste-te cu idea ca nu ma poti schimba
2. AȘ VREA: as vrea…..as vrea prea multe dar in mare parte ma gandesc ca el este centrul dorintelor si pasiunilor mele
3. PĂSTREZ: pachete de tigari cumparate la negru, am déjà unu din Polonia, unul din Lituania
4. MI-AȘ DORI: sa gasesc un job mai bine platit
5. NU ÎMI PLACE: cand cineva care nu e la acelasi nivel social sau cultural cu mine ma critica si imi zice cum sa imi traiesc viata
6. MĂ TEM DE: nu este “de” este “sa”…ma tem sa il pierd 
7. AUD: voci in fiecare seara inainte sa adorm. Dar asta e pentru ca stiu ca vorbeste in somn si nu ca am innebunit de cand am plecat din tara
8. ÎMI PARE RAU: nu stiu daca imi pare rau
9. ÎMI PLACE: de ce sa mint? sexul
10. NU SUNT: lasa….cred
11. CÂNT: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
12. NICIODATĂ: nu as fi crezut ca mistoul pe care il aplicam mamei va deveni realitate
13. RAR: mananc mai nou
14. PLÂNG: de fiecare data cand cineva la care tin are probleme sau trece printr-o perioada greas
15. NU SUNT: iarasi nu sunt…..
16. NU ÎMI PLACE DE MINE : in general
17. SUNT CONFUZĂ: dimineatza cand ma trezesc si simt ceva tare in spatele meu (peretele desigur;)))
18. AM NEVOIE:iarasi nu mi-e jena sa recunosc…de sex draga, de sex
19. AR TREBUI: sa mai tai din dependenta
20. AȘ PUTEA: as putea sa ma apuc de tema, dar cred ca ma duc la somn

citam pe andu " it's like instead of kissing you, i started snowing" cool snow flakes coming down my face. i look around me, everything is white...bit still there is no sign of you. the snow is fresh, is pure, but not like "this love". I wake up.
it's like instead of huggin you, it started rainiing. cold raindrops coming down my face. I take a peak around me. The grass is so green and the air is so fresh, just like "this love". But I don't want to wake up this time.
it's like instead if caressing your face, you wrapped your arms around me. I look arounf me...I can't see anything. I just feel the warmth and comfort. I finally rest my head down your chest and feel free to go back to sleep. not even the english summer rain or the rainbow's light compares to this feeling.
it's like instead of sayin "I love you" i could say...xdasasfasdfsadvs. I never said that, but it's never too late. either way, in my eyes and heart they would mean the same thing. and never say never, because never might staer now and never end :)
It's like instead going to sleep, i stayed awake and watch you sleep. either way I do this....when the dawn comes i awake from my slumber and feed my hunger of watching you...but i could never clentch this hunger.
There are so many things that I would like to say to you but I don't know how to begin. I'd rather write them down and givem to you so you could read them, because it;s much more easier for me to arrange my thoughts, and i wouldn't be so intimidated by your presence. But I am not going to make them public, because it's not the public's concearn to know what i have to say....just wait for the second part :)

piercing eyes and a smile so warm.a hand that always holds mine when I am in need. a voice that softly whispers to me "good morning" and makes me smile.
how can I put togather some words and describe a person without being subjective? once you put on love's glasses, everything starts to have a different meaning. everything that is bad seems to go away, the light and positiviness taking the right place in my life.
then you start seeing life in a different light. you seem to see what you have never seen, feel what you have never felt and cry like you have never cried.
that's when you know for sure what has been happening to you. your heart pounds quicker and your breath goes mental. you feel him so close to you even though he is in the other corner of the building, hoping that somewhere in the middle , your paths will come togather...and they do eventually, and they get lost in a smile and in a touch of the hand. then you go back in the same revery, hoping to go back to that middle point.
But there are those other things that take place behind the walls of that prison. the embrace, the touch and the eternal kiss. they all come togather in desire, which burns...
It's funny how many things i can see in his eyes. maybe because this time for sure i can say that I love him

I wonder how long it took me to write this down. I had to look through my friends' pictures...some new and some old, I had to shed tears of anxiety because I miss some of them, and because, right now, I don't feel like I have a proper place in the world.
I am afraid to leave this city, but I am even more afraid to leave this world. at least for now.
I am putting my guns down and rest my head on the pillow. I run away and hide in myself for as long as possible. I need to have people around me, but I want to be alone. I smile with tears in my eyes, and I hate because I love so much
But since when do I have to hate because I love? because I have the feeling that I am causing him trouble, and the last thing I want is for him to be in trouble. I just close my eyes and cry again.
DOn't ask me why...I just feel this pain that I have to cry out...pain or join, I lost the sense of feelings

Requiem for a Dream

she walks in her flat door, slowly walking to her room. she felt tired, and needed to go to sleep. she unlocked the door of her room, took the postman bag off, and then the coat. she was all dressed in black, because that was her uniform...but black is her favourite colour :)...she slwowly starts undressing, puts a towel on, and heads to the shower...she is missing him and deep down inside she hopes that by the time she gets out of there, he will be there, waiting for her with his loving arms widley opened.
she lets the water fall down...so hot...she wets her hair and her tired body thinking of the cold nights when he was there for her. she is afraid that this little dream will fall apart and that they will succed in separating them. she leans on the shower's wall letting the hot water falling down on her body. it was this echo that she couldn't shake off :"do you see me where I am standing?where am I? I am here and I will always be. you are my strenght"
She is his kiddo, she is his star...she is so many things to him...She is Carrie from Sex and the City when she writes about them, she is Samantha Jones in bed, Miranda Hobbes when she feels like being mean, and Charlotte York when she cries.
and yes, she cries a lot...she cries when he is in pain, she cries just at the thought that something might happen to him,she cries because she loves.
they created this little universe of theirs in that little room of hers...a refuge from the world, and she loved going back to that room just because it had his fingerprints all over the place.
She snaps from her dream, and turns off the water...slowly puts her towel back on, and all drenched in water walks to a room that she knows that is going to be empty...she sits on her bed,missing him there, missing the man that haunts her dreams, the man for whom she changed her way of being....she just wishes he was there, standing on her side, with his arm around her so she could play with her fingertips on his delicious chocolate skin

desire

Today it snowed...it was so beautiful...just like the first day i saw the white cover on this foreign, still virgin lands for me. it brought back nice memories, souvenirs that i keep close to my heart just like his ring on my necklace. one month has already passed, one month in which I've learnt to submitt my will to one man, but not by denying my desires...just completing them with what we share.
He calls it destiny...destiny crossed our path in that cold, snowy january night. I longed for him, I lusted him...I wanted him...and I had him....and I thought that everything will crumble once the pendulum will strike 12 o'clock in the night and the magic of that winter day will dissapear....but it went on, and on, to this present day.
I've learnt to trust myself and trust him. hard to believe for someone who has been through what I've been. I learnt to be warm again, to smile, to give without asking in return. I've learnt how to live again, in a distinct way of what i was used to.
My ego disappeared. The need of independence as well. All i know is that I am being tied down by his kisses and embrace, my ice cold skin turns burning when I feel that he is close to me. and he is...every day, every minute,every second...he is a part of me already, a part of my way of thinking, a part of my way of leaving...the solitary me has been dissolved, " us" took its' place.
My pride? vanished under one gaze of his
I am lucky..I really am...he makes me want to be better, because in a way I feel that i don't deserve someone like him, a kind soul that really cares about me. he makes me want to be better, for myself and this whole world. here I am, in this cold room, in this cold night, waiting patiently for his return. he is all I need right now

anxiety

Anxiety- define it and release me from it. Time has never been my ally, but now it seems to suffocate me even more…it’s been 7 days since we have been apart, yet this hour made me feel zillion of kilometers away from you. If I have waited patiently one week for you, now my heart is pounding so fast that I can’t control myself….tic tac tic tac…this is how it goes.
Me in this bed, and you in that plane, coming back home, but not sure if you’re coming back to me.
21:00…you text me saying to wait for you…I jump out of my bed. Practically I am losing my head…I already imagine the moment you text me saying that you are outside, and you’re waiting for me to open the door. This Audrey Hepburn scenario flashes in front of my eyes…me in my black dress, coming down barefoot, my skin glowing of happiness, you …waiting for me downstairs…dropping your bags when you see me, holding me so tight that I lose my breath…
But it crumbles…it all crumbles…
21:15….i text you with my complete selfishness and tell you to come mines. I’m expecting this answer…yes baby, I will be there in 20 minutes…so hold on and wait for me…
21:25… you text me back : I will come soon for sure, cuz I miss you and I want you…but …I have to sort out some bits and pieces…my mind is already sawing the threads of conspiracy. I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what to do. I am left KO in front of a blank page called confusion. Could it be that he is talking about us? Could it be that he will say…yeah, we had a hell of a time, let’s have another go but then go on our separate ways?
And it got me thinking…could it be distance that really sets the pace when you have feelings for someone? Or could it be that when you are taking it to fast, distance makes it more obvious that it was all a mistake…
Tic tac…tic tac again…I stare at an empty sheet again…my mind is blank, but at the same time I am filled with emotion. I lack resolve…finally I decide to ask the crucial question, that now sounds silly
21: 45…I text you again…is it about us? Is it something bad? No answer up till now.
I have butterflies in my stomach, and Danielle Steel type of images in my mind…the dirty perverted ones biensur. My room feels so empty knowing that you are around, but that you are not here. My bed misses your scent, and my body missed your arms around me when we go to sleep. All I can think now is that I am going to spend another night alone, maybe another to come. In a strange way I feel like I will lose you anytime soon, and this feeling is like a bomb, ready to burst.
I take a deep breath….i try to relax, not to think and not to sound so clingy and desperate. I love you, I wish I could tell you this, but it’s to soon. This is all I can think off, this is all I can feel. And this hour that just has passed me by, made me realize that is to soon to open up myself. In a strange way, even made me want to erase what I feel and think, not to make this even more complicated.
Tic tac, tic tac again…I’m waiting for my mind to come back from Mars. There is where it always go when it comes about you ( or I have a spliff). Release me from what I feel. End this torment and tell me that everything is going to be just swell. Forgive my revery and wake me up with a gentle kiss and a warm hug. That’s all I need now. Words can harm us. I don’t want to talk no more. I just want to hold you and be held….as if it was the last time. Turn off the light and turn me on, give me a part of you so I could be whole again. Close your eyes and fall asleep with me, as I fall asleep with you even when you are not around.
Damn these thoughts. They are spamming my mind and make me go mental…ok…I take my remote…mute


The fucking end

insomnia part 2

overall i can say that today was a good day...but at the end i still feel empty...it's early in the morning and I still can't find my place. came back from work, a really nice day...and now I am free to let my mind fly...but all my thoughts are being directioned to a single destination, far away from my reach. suddenly i feel empty and confused.
it's hard to write down feelings when you have nothing to say, but it's even harder when you're being overwhelmed by feelings.
si many times you have been taken for granted that suddenly you feel afraid to speak up and say what you trully feel..you slip into an abyss of memories that practically doesn't allow you to admit who you trully are, and what you trully feel. you are hiding and trying to deny what's happening to you just because you are afraid. but fear is the mind killer and maybe that's why you can't think rationally. but there is nothing rational when it comes to emotions. you just feel whether is wrong or not.
nut when you have made so many mistakes, you just try to block evrythinf, until that point when a warm flow bursts into you and you no longer can lie. I wonder..what's wrong? lying to yourself, or lying to that other person?
you go back home from a ling day, you just want to sit dowm and recollect your thoughts. you have that long hot shower that you love, trying in a way to find yourself in every drop of water that drops. and it feels so good in a way to feel so much relief on your skin. you just want to lay there for ever, because it seems to be the only way to find yourself again. you just feel that water cleaning you inside and out, you feel less sad but at the same time you feel like bursting into tears..you walk back to that small room, passinf that empty and long corridor, reedemed in a way, but more and more trapped in this web called life. you sit on that empty back, light a cigarette and wish to be somewhere else. you reveal your fears again.
what takes us to admit that we are afraid?, yes, I am afraid... i am afraid that everything will fall into pieces, I am afraid that this dream will end. I am afraid that I will screw it up...
u just sit there listening to that same tune, and playing with that necklace that has a new "pandative"...
i just wish.....

insomnia

you toss and turn in your bed..it's nice, and warm, but you still feel like something's missing. you're trying to reach out and feel him, but this time he's not there. you hug the pillow and try to fall asleep. it's strange how this bed that is so small seems so big suddenly. you go to your side of the bed, waiting and waiting for him to come and lay next to you...it's vague, but in a way you still can feel him there...his scent, his presence, his heat next to your skin cold as ice.
tic tac, tic tac...time goes by and he's not there...you know he won't come...at least for a while. you just lay there, head facing the "prison's" cold wall, missing him and hoping that he is well. you embrace this solitude in a cold January nite, keeping yourself warm with the memories that you rewind in your mind

Caffe au lait

It's just funny the way things go. disappointement after disappointement and you still find the way to keep your head up.
But there is the point when you have to cross some lines in order to find yourself again.
Goddiva's creations cannot recreate the colour of his skin, and the sweet scent of the "eternity". His height, his weight, his face, his hands going down her white arms....and it was that night to morning when they both discovered that some boundaries have to be crossed.
The skin's colour has no importance....he called it passion, attraction, instinct...and normal act between a woman and a man, an act of intimacy that some times can reach the depth of your heart.
The innocent game began a long time ago, with a dance...she just loves dancing, and he was a good match for her....hands in hands, gentle sexual movements, sweat and desire....that's how you can define the chemistry between them
His slow gentle voice, careless whispers in her year, slow gentle music.
She was nervous...he was her first experience of the kind, but she was too tempted by his skin like chocolate.
The first snow started comin down....under this white scenario, milk came togather with dark mocca coffee....resulting caffe au lait....after hours of teasing, the pressure was too much for both of them so the final call has been made....under the purity of fresh winter snow

Time

Another page has been turned in this book called life. Another day passed me by, but in a new year...and it got me thinking...what does time mean to me?
sometimes, you never feel it passing you by...you just wake up one week later wondering what the hell happened. Maybe you smoked,drank, slept too much. and you never get to sense time's true meaning until you run out of it.
Every second extra that keeps me awake when I am not supposed to, steals more time from the life and present I am supposed to live.
Already almmost 20 years passed me by...20 years..I don't even know how come time passed me by so quickly...and it's strange....because 20 years seem like a really long time when you say it...but when you're living those 20 years, time seems to be altered.
It's just like saying...I'll meet you in an hour..time might go quickly or slowly...and i reached one conclusion
time is a state of mind, depending on your emotions...time passes by so quickly when you are happy and it seems to crawl when you are in pain.
but everything is depending on time. But what will it happend when we'll globally run out of it? can it be that the end of this present time leaves an opening for a new order?
and how would the time be expresses in that new order?