insomnia part 2

overall i can say that today was a good day...but at the end i still feel empty...it's early in the morning and I still can't find my place. came back from work, a really nice day...and now I am free to let my mind fly...but all my thoughts are being directioned to a single destination, far away from my reach. suddenly i feel empty and confused.
it's hard to write down feelings when you have nothing to say, but it's even harder when you're being overwhelmed by feelings.
si many times you have been taken for granted that suddenly you feel afraid to speak up and say what you trully feel..you slip into an abyss of memories that practically doesn't allow you to admit who you trully are, and what you trully feel. you are hiding and trying to deny what's happening to you just because you are afraid. but fear is the mind killer and maybe that's why you can't think rationally. but there is nothing rational when it comes to emotions. you just feel whether is wrong or not.
nut when you have made so many mistakes, you just try to block evrythinf, until that point when a warm flow bursts into you and you no longer can lie. I wonder..what's wrong? lying to yourself, or lying to that other person?
you go back home from a ling day, you just want to sit dowm and recollect your thoughts. you have that long hot shower that you love, trying in a way to find yourself in every drop of water that drops. and it feels so good in a way to feel so much relief on your skin. you just want to lay there for ever, because it seems to be the only way to find yourself again. you just feel that water cleaning you inside and out, you feel less sad but at the same time you feel like bursting into tears..you walk back to that small room, passinf that empty and long corridor, reedemed in a way, but more and more trapped in this web called life. you sit on that empty back, light a cigarette and wish to be somewhere else. you reveal your fears again.
what takes us to admit that we are afraid?, yes, I am afraid... i am afraid that everything will fall into pieces, I am afraid that this dream will end. I am afraid that I will screw it up...
u just sit there listening to that same tune, and playing with that necklace that has a new "pandative"...
i just wish.....