Boring in the city

sometimes women have the same urges like men.Besides buying showes, walking down Covent Garden to Picadilly, sometimes women feel like they need a goos shag. and why should be afraid to admit it. But sex for women always has been a tabu subject, and the difference between male sexual domination is still powerful. I cannot stopt to wonder why women who need to satisfy this urge and had many men in their lifes are being called slags, and the guys who got in the knickers of zillion women are just...men.
This masculin pride of men sleeping with as many women possible seems to have contaminated the enviroment of womens' strictness regarding whom they might let sleep in their bed tonight.
Sometimes I even feel like a man trapped in a woman's body, as temptation floats everywhere. Not only man are allowed to turn their head whenever they see a "piece of meat"...common, we cannot honestly say that when we were walking holding our boyfriend's hand we didn't turn our head checking out the guy from the corner.
and so I am trying to start my monologue in a Carrie Bradshaw way, thinking why some girls are so afrad to develop their sexuality in a slagish society.
Men are too proud and to afraid that women might claim the sexual power in the society and be dominant speciment in a relationship.
Sex is power in the hands of the ones that know how to use it properly. And that's why there is a war before sexes. Females are trying to gain their sexual teritory and status, because a woman that has more men then indicated are not neccessarly slags, but they are starting to gain some more teritory in a savage land.
So here I am at 3 in the morming, tired like hell trying to sleep, browsing tattoos and fileled with all these thoughts...
maybe i'll text him later

I am OCD and I love it

Society encounters new patterns of behaviour every day...angry shouting people, fake smiling ones, introverts extroverts,narcisists....because that's what they are and they enjoy themselves just like that.
Every one copes in a different way...alcohol, weed, heavy drugs, breaking plates, beating wife, cutting themselves etc etc...
I used to cut myself...not nice..complete insanity...I used to drink, pointless...it only made me really sick and the head aches were unbearable, I smoke,I really do..I am a heavy smoker..I wake up in the morning and light a cigarette trying to remember what I dreamt...I used to hit people for fun, but violence brings you...NO GOOD!
Yesterday, being tuesday, was the spilff day...gathered some mates of mine around, testing a new product...everything chill and nice...except one problem...the second they left I started scrubbing...because it was dirty...and i couldn't stand it....eveything off my desk, desinfectant, sponge, new delicate clean scent, clothes on the bed, arranging them all again
YES I AM AN OCD....i have a problem with cleaning...whenever I am stressed, anxious or stuff like that, I just clean...dust, hoover, re-arrange, throw...everything is on the list, because there is nothing better than having a nice hot shower and a cigarette in an extra clean room.
This is me, I can't change...sometimes i mistake it as for a thing of common sense, but sometimes I tend to agree that it's pure insanity...but even this insanity is all mine

she said to me that writting helps...clearing your mind, ordering your thoughts, making you feel releaved
But i have so many things to say that I don't even know where to start from...wish I had a white Christmas back home, next to my friends and family....there are so many things that I am longing for, and so many things that I know i can't have...
But still nothing stops me from dreaming and hoping that one day things will go my way...That I will finally say..yes, this is what I trully want..
We are tied to this world by our desires, they are the chains that hold us down...
I can't remember when was the last time I sat down and read a good book...
I can't remember when was the last time I said I love you and actually meant it, and not saying it because I am used to love the idea of being in love.
They say that time heals..But it would be better to say..time repeats..over and over again. You tend to repeat so many times the things you do, and you end up forgeting how it felt at the beginning. This is the reason why Orpheus was not allowed to look behind. Seeing her again....he submitted her to repeating process, and poor her...she faded away..
That's why I look behind...so i can forget..
and i start asking myself...actually I am asking for the definition of hapiness
Louis Guilloux defines it in a simple way..."The true hapiness is the one that bursts out of one's heart and is being reflected on another...a child to be held in one's arms. One must never see it as a mature woman...make her die for love...as for love...it's even much more easier to be defined..one must conquer her into its' depths,make her weep"
These words are deep though many people might not understand them..but they don't need comprehension...they need to be felt...lived
Ma croyance....etait jadis l'amour...now it's vague.

We chose the worst time to fall in and out of love, we chose the worst time for regrets...you never ment to cause me trouble, you never ment to cause me pain. Yet I feel it fully alive in me, all those times we spent togather or separate..
Your urge to protect me from yourself and now the regrets that you let me walk away that day you said that you didn't love me anymore...
But now you are here, back in my life, saying that you can never come between me and him, that you wouldn't hurt me
You're the only one to see me in the purple rain...
Il y a 3 ans, 3 ans sans toi et une nouvelle vie. Mais je ne peut pas controller mes pensees.Je me rappelle la premiere fois quand je t'ai connu dans le parc...les cheveaux bruns et longs, ton visage d'enfant, ton desespoir parce qu'elle ne t'aimait plus.
L'hiver...magique...avec toi, dans tes bras, avec ta voix douce, et ton regarde sourisant. Il faut dire que les deux on fait des erreurs, en choisisant ce moment pour tomber amoreux, quand tu devait passer tes examens, et j'avais deja quelqun dans ma vie...
Povre diable.....tu etait ma neccessite, mon reve d'adolescente, mes pensiers de jeune fille qui amait un Hyperion, une personne sans ame et sains raison

Remembrance...

you fool, you old fool...you sit on your chair all alone, having a drag and drinking a beer....you feel alone but you are too afraid to admitt it. You lost everything that ever made sense to you...you might have money now, but you don' have love...you don't have warm arms wrapped around you and a gentle kiss to wake you up in the morning..
you mistreated her, made her feel like a dirt bag and now she's gone for good....she smiles whenever she sees you, but you know it's not the same...you can read the contempt on her lips, maybe hatred in her eyes..
But you know you are not even worth of being hated...she just passes you by, just like she passes a stranger, looks you straigh into your eyes and moving on.
She ..has found her way, a different path from yours. She is still young, and she still has so much to see....you used to call her yours once, but not because you had any feeling for her, but because you knew that that girl's little heart was stupid enough and beat for you. You knew how much she loved to make you smile and spoil you, you knew that she was there for you
But one day..she went away, and left you behind. And it's just now that you start wondering whether she might have been someone that you will regret...
she is happy, trully happy unlike you, unlike you that uses alcohol to drown his sorrow, and uses other women to fill the void that she left....she is so far that you can't touch her anymmore....she is so far and she is not looking back anymore...maybe just to say good bye for good

Thoughts...

imagine yourself in a box, nothing to bee seen, nothing to be felt. Complete darkness falls upon your eyes and your heart. But even so, you can't stop the thoughts running along in your mind.
You try to escape,you try to forget. Futile...all those feeble feelings in you start to become stronger and stronger, growing inside of you...this life ain't worth living you start thinking..
you are locked so far away, no one can touch you...but you long for warmth. You locked yourself in a world full of regret and hatred, and of wicked games.
You remember that voice in your head, the last good bye and the first tear..it's to much fogg around you, you can't smile... he was asking too much from your side
you just have to forget bout everything, of this world, feeling,soulmates, whispering in the ears, you have to be strong and never let him bring you down
Why can't you be some-one else? you claim o have many reasons, but your void..it's just us, in this empty, dark amd dusty room...both all alone and lacking resolve.
They say that in evey existance there is a point where love meets love, meaning your love for something or for someone. That point is the center of the universe, of philosophers, geologists, imbecils and wise men.
Isn't it too late for regrets?Maybe my eyes are wet because of the smoke and I am looking up for words in the past. It's such a mess, what else might be left to say? maybe nothing so I'd better remain silent, I ll let you be the one to hurt me with that last word belonging to a mind that has been shattered by regrets . Why us? why is that so? Why can't I change anything? why are you looking in the ground while you're having a drag and I am asking you to change? And it's all in vain, because you always leave me alone..it's better for me to go on my separate road.
It's just me now, in this dark and cold box, tied to the ground and trying to walk away from the past...better said crawl...I am bleeding, I am cold and I am hungry.
I need shelter from this world I leave in , I need to reach the sun, far away from you....

Holiday

Nu fiecare inceput inseamna neaparat si punctul de sfarsit...totul a inceput, aici, in mintea mea, dar o sa se sfarseaca prea departe de intelegerea noastra..
Fiecare fugim de cateceva, si anumite actiuni intaresc deciza de a scapa...am fugit, am vrut o viata noua, dar am primit o vacanta prelingita
Prietene, stii oare cat de aproape este Marte atunci cand vrei neaparat sa ajungi acolo? sau cat de adanci sunt regretele si durerea cand vrei sa uiti de ele?
Ganduri si trairi antagonice...te simti ca la margine de prapastie...nici nu stii ce decizie sa iei...stai si te uiti in gol,simti nevoia parca sa zbori,dar lanturile care te leaga de pamant sunt prea grele...prea grele sa te lase sa te desprinzi de tot ce a fost sau de tot ce este...
Tu insati te simti greu...povara devine din ce in ce mai grea pe masura ce clepsidra se scurge.
Stii ce vrei, dar nu stii daca vrei cu adevarat..sunt momente in care ai sta numai acolo, unde te simti tu in siguranta, sau sunt momente cand respingi ceea ce simti...sau ceea ce se presupune ca vrei
dar lanturile sunt acolo, te strang si nu iti dau drumul...te leaga trecutul, prezentul si viitorul...te leaga promisiuni pe care totusi simti ca nu poti sa le rupi, pentru ca ti-ar rupe lanturile si ai fii liber
Ti-e frica de libertate, ti-e frica pentru ca nu o cunosti? ce inseamna sa fii cu adevarat liber? sa nu ai anumite " circumstante atenunate" care sa te lege de viata pe care o duci.
Fiecare gura de aer sa zicem asa, este ca o circumstanta atenuata...fiecare sentiment,fiecare viciu
Libertatea este o utopie...este lantul care te leaga si te limiteaza de fapt..a fi liber inseamna a nu mai fi