Requiem for a Dream

she walks in her flat door, slowly walking to her room. she felt tired, and needed to go to sleep. she unlocked the door of her room, took the postman bag off, and then the coat. she was all dressed in black, because that was her uniform...but black is her favourite colour :)...she slwowly starts undressing, puts a towel on, and heads to the shower...she is missing him and deep down inside she hopes that by the time she gets out of there, he will be there, waiting for her with his loving arms widley opened.
she lets the water fall down...so hot...she wets her hair and her tired body thinking of the cold nights when he was there for her. she is afraid that this little dream will fall apart and that they will succed in separating them. she leans on the shower's wall letting the hot water falling down on her body. it was this echo that she couldn't shake off :"do you see me where I am standing?where am I? I am here and I will always be. you are my strenght"
She is his kiddo, she is his star...she is so many things to him...She is Carrie from Sex and the City when she writes about them, she is Samantha Jones in bed, Miranda Hobbes when she feels like being mean, and Charlotte York when she cries.
and yes, she cries a lot...she cries when he is in pain, she cries just at the thought that something might happen to him,she cries because she loves.
they created this little universe of theirs in that little room of hers...a refuge from the world, and she loved going back to that room just because it had his fingerprints all over the place.
She snaps from her dream, and turns off the water...slowly puts her towel back on, and all drenched in water walks to a room that she knows that is going to be empty...she sits on her bed,missing him there, missing the man that haunts her dreams, the man for whom she changed her way of being....she just wishes he was there, standing on her side, with his arm around her so she could play with her fingertips on his delicious chocolate skin

desire

Today it snowed...it was so beautiful...just like the first day i saw the white cover on this foreign, still virgin lands for me. it brought back nice memories, souvenirs that i keep close to my heart just like his ring on my necklace. one month has already passed, one month in which I've learnt to submitt my will to one man, but not by denying my desires...just completing them with what we share.
He calls it destiny...destiny crossed our path in that cold, snowy january night. I longed for him, I lusted him...I wanted him...and I had him....and I thought that everything will crumble once the pendulum will strike 12 o'clock in the night and the magic of that winter day will dissapear....but it went on, and on, to this present day.
I've learnt to trust myself and trust him. hard to believe for someone who has been through what I've been. I learnt to be warm again, to smile, to give without asking in return. I've learnt how to live again, in a distinct way of what i was used to.
My ego disappeared. The need of independence as well. All i know is that I am being tied down by his kisses and embrace, my ice cold skin turns burning when I feel that he is close to me. and he is...every day, every minute,every second...he is a part of me already, a part of my way of thinking, a part of my way of leaving...the solitary me has been dissolved, " us" took its' place.
My pride? vanished under one gaze of his
I am lucky..I really am...he makes me want to be better, because in a way I feel that i don't deserve someone like him, a kind soul that really cares about me. he makes me want to be better, for myself and this whole world. here I am, in this cold room, in this cold night, waiting patiently for his return. he is all I need right now

anxiety

Anxiety- define it and release me from it. Time has never been my ally, but now it seems to suffocate me even more…it’s been 7 days since we have been apart, yet this hour made me feel zillion of kilometers away from you. If I have waited patiently one week for you, now my heart is pounding so fast that I can’t control myself….tic tac tic tac…this is how it goes.
Me in this bed, and you in that plane, coming back home, but not sure if you’re coming back to me.
21:00…you text me saying to wait for you…I jump out of my bed. Practically I am losing my head…I already imagine the moment you text me saying that you are outside, and you’re waiting for me to open the door. This Audrey Hepburn scenario flashes in front of my eyes…me in my black dress, coming down barefoot, my skin glowing of happiness, you …waiting for me downstairs…dropping your bags when you see me, holding me so tight that I lose my breath…
But it crumbles…it all crumbles…
21:15….i text you with my complete selfishness and tell you to come mines. I’m expecting this answer…yes baby, I will be there in 20 minutes…so hold on and wait for me…
21:25… you text me back : I will come soon for sure, cuz I miss you and I want you…but …I have to sort out some bits and pieces…my mind is already sawing the threads of conspiracy. I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what to do. I am left KO in front of a blank page called confusion. Could it be that he is talking about us? Could it be that he will say…yeah, we had a hell of a time, let’s have another go but then go on our separate ways?
And it got me thinking…could it be distance that really sets the pace when you have feelings for someone? Or could it be that when you are taking it to fast, distance makes it more obvious that it was all a mistake…
Tic tac…tic tac again…I stare at an empty sheet again…my mind is blank, but at the same time I am filled with emotion. I lack resolve…finally I decide to ask the crucial question, that now sounds silly
21: 45…I text you again…is it about us? Is it something bad? No answer up till now.
I have butterflies in my stomach, and Danielle Steel type of images in my mind…the dirty perverted ones biensur. My room feels so empty knowing that you are around, but that you are not here. My bed misses your scent, and my body missed your arms around me when we go to sleep. All I can think now is that I am going to spend another night alone, maybe another to come. In a strange way I feel like I will lose you anytime soon, and this feeling is like a bomb, ready to burst.
I take a deep breath….i try to relax, not to think and not to sound so clingy and desperate. I love you, I wish I could tell you this, but it’s to soon. This is all I can think off, this is all I can feel. And this hour that just has passed me by, made me realize that is to soon to open up myself. In a strange way, even made me want to erase what I feel and think, not to make this even more complicated.
Tic tac, tic tac again…I’m waiting for my mind to come back from Mars. There is where it always go when it comes about you ( or I have a spliff). Release me from what I feel. End this torment and tell me that everything is going to be just swell. Forgive my revery and wake me up with a gentle kiss and a warm hug. That’s all I need now. Words can harm us. I don’t want to talk no more. I just want to hold you and be held….as if it was the last time. Turn off the light and turn me on, give me a part of you so I could be whole again. Close your eyes and fall asleep with me, as I fall asleep with you even when you are not around.
Damn these thoughts. They are spamming my mind and make me go mental…ok…I take my remote…mute


The fucking end

insomnia part 2

overall i can say that today was a good day...but at the end i still feel empty...it's early in the morning and I still can't find my place. came back from work, a really nice day...and now I am free to let my mind fly...but all my thoughts are being directioned to a single destination, far away from my reach. suddenly i feel empty and confused.
it's hard to write down feelings when you have nothing to say, but it's even harder when you're being overwhelmed by feelings.
si many times you have been taken for granted that suddenly you feel afraid to speak up and say what you trully feel..you slip into an abyss of memories that practically doesn't allow you to admit who you trully are, and what you trully feel. you are hiding and trying to deny what's happening to you just because you are afraid. but fear is the mind killer and maybe that's why you can't think rationally. but there is nothing rational when it comes to emotions. you just feel whether is wrong or not.
nut when you have made so many mistakes, you just try to block evrythinf, until that point when a warm flow bursts into you and you no longer can lie. I wonder..what's wrong? lying to yourself, or lying to that other person?
you go back home from a ling day, you just want to sit dowm and recollect your thoughts. you have that long hot shower that you love, trying in a way to find yourself in every drop of water that drops. and it feels so good in a way to feel so much relief on your skin. you just want to lay there for ever, because it seems to be the only way to find yourself again. you just feel that water cleaning you inside and out, you feel less sad but at the same time you feel like bursting into tears..you walk back to that small room, passinf that empty and long corridor, reedemed in a way, but more and more trapped in this web called life. you sit on that empty back, light a cigarette and wish to be somewhere else. you reveal your fears again.
what takes us to admit that we are afraid?, yes, I am afraid... i am afraid that everything will fall into pieces, I am afraid that this dream will end. I am afraid that I will screw it up...
u just sit there listening to that same tune, and playing with that necklace that has a new "pandative"...
i just wish.....

insomnia

you toss and turn in your bed..it's nice, and warm, but you still feel like something's missing. you're trying to reach out and feel him, but this time he's not there. you hug the pillow and try to fall asleep. it's strange how this bed that is so small seems so big suddenly. you go to your side of the bed, waiting and waiting for him to come and lay next to you...it's vague, but in a way you still can feel him there...his scent, his presence, his heat next to your skin cold as ice.
tic tac, tic tac...time goes by and he's not there...you know he won't come...at least for a while. you just lay there, head facing the "prison's" cold wall, missing him and hoping that he is well. you embrace this solitude in a cold January nite, keeping yourself warm with the memories that you rewind in your mind

Caffe au lait

It's just funny the way things go. disappointement after disappointement and you still find the way to keep your head up.
But there is the point when you have to cross some lines in order to find yourself again.
Goddiva's creations cannot recreate the colour of his skin, and the sweet scent of the "eternity". His height, his weight, his face, his hands going down her white arms....and it was that night to morning when they both discovered that some boundaries have to be crossed.
The skin's colour has no importance....he called it passion, attraction, instinct...and normal act between a woman and a man, an act of intimacy that some times can reach the depth of your heart.
The innocent game began a long time ago, with a dance...she just loves dancing, and he was a good match for her....hands in hands, gentle sexual movements, sweat and desire....that's how you can define the chemistry between them
His slow gentle voice, careless whispers in her year, slow gentle music.
She was nervous...he was her first experience of the kind, but she was too tempted by his skin like chocolate.
The first snow started comin down....under this white scenario, milk came togather with dark mocca coffee....resulting caffe au lait....after hours of teasing, the pressure was too much for both of them so the final call has been made....under the purity of fresh winter snow

Time

Another page has been turned in this book called life. Another day passed me by, but in a new year...and it got me thinking...what does time mean to me?
sometimes, you never feel it passing you by...you just wake up one week later wondering what the hell happened. Maybe you smoked,drank, slept too much. and you never get to sense time's true meaning until you run out of it.
Every second extra that keeps me awake when I am not supposed to, steals more time from the life and present I am supposed to live.
Already almmost 20 years passed me by...20 years..I don't even know how come time passed me by so quickly...and it's strange....because 20 years seem like a really long time when you say it...but when you're living those 20 years, time seems to be altered.
It's just like saying...I'll meet you in an hour..time might go quickly or slowly...and i reached one conclusion
time is a state of mind, depending on your emotions...time passes by so quickly when you are happy and it seems to crawl when you are in pain.
but everything is depending on time. But what will it happend when we'll globally run out of it? can it be that the end of this present time leaves an opening for a new order?
and how would the time be expresses in that new order?